Bashar al-Assad
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Bashar al-Assad is a Syrian politician, serving as the dearest leader of Syria from 2000 until 2024.
Bio[edit | edit source]
Heir to Hafez al-Assad, who had been busily turning a vaguely democratic Syria into a good and proper dynastic dictatorship, Assad could have lived a quite and ordinary life popularizing the internet in Syria, had it not been for the untimely death of his elder brother Bassel. This placed him right on top in the pseudo-royal line of succession, and by the time his old man kicked the bucket, Bashar was quick to pick up his office and install even more cronies in various political offices.
El Presidente's constant and somehow invariable electoral success came into serious trouble during the 2011 Arab Spring, in which the Syrian peasantry loudly wondered how al-Assad always got 101% of the vote. To make matters worse, some particularly nasty ragheads decided to fund the Islamic State, and Western nations were aching to export a bit of 'freedom' into a long-term ally of Russia.
Thanks to friendly help from Russia and Iran, Assad managed to get 115% of the vote during a civil war that lasted the better part of thirteen years. At least until Russia got distracted by an unexpectedly long three-day special military operation in Ukraine, and Assad hastily emigrated to Moscow in December 2024. Whether the friendly neighborhood jihadists that ousted him will prove any better remains to be seen.
In 8chanmania[edit | edit source]
Bashar al-Assad fought in 8chanmania XXVII. He de-crowned Xanthous King Jeremiah, but then was moved to tears by Chop Chop Master Onion.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Despite of rumors to the contrary, al-Assad is neither Vulcanian, nor the long-lost brother of Mr. Spock.